A wee bit back, I introduced you to the Procrasti-hater. That sinister twin to my Type A {absolutely awesome productive badass} personality who gets her willies by taking {the productive badass side of} me out back behind the honky tonk at last call and beating me to a bloody pulp.

Today, it is high time you met Mittens.

I have only recently rediscovered Mittens. Thanks to one part turning 39, one part Rouge Chaplain and one part walking around in my head.

But man is she back with a vengeance.

To make this a complete introduction, here she is a few years back.

She has spent some time in captivity. This time in containment has hardened her as evidenced by the steely-eyed glare and oversized Army helmet. This hardening means she is ready for anything that anyone can throw her way.

There are some things you must know about Mittens…

She is a madwoman. Certifiably mad. She can simply be balls-ass frightening when that temper flares. Her eyes get wide, her nostrils flare and your blood goes cold. You have to understand, she views everything as a fight, as something to be conquered.

It could have something to do with her days in captivity or maybe it is just how she’s built. Either way, you don’t want to argue with her, because well, there is simply no winning. She talks in circles and rhymes with a reasoning that has no reason. And the last word, well she’ll get it alright. Right on through the night if that’s what it takes.

There is another thing you should know…

She knows her way around guns, because after all she’s from Texas ya’ll.

Look, there she is taking aim at baby seals and orphans

She loves to use heavy weaponry on things like those blonde big-chested bitches (you know, fear and resentment), in order to guard her liquor or protect her clan. Yep, she’s barbaric in her thinking, still believing that life is about clan against clan.

But the most important thing you must know...

Never dare Mittens to do anything. Cause you see, Mittens never turned down a dare. She’ll see that dare and raise you – oh, I don’t know I am a terrible poker player (why am I pretending to use these concepts I don’t understand). Anyway…back to Mittens…what I am getting at is that she never backs down from a challenge. Never. She’ll tear the head off the chicken of life, swing that fluffy bitch around a bit and suck the blood with a silly straw. And she never, ever, ever loses at Monopoly.

Here is a rather recent picture of Mittens in a moment of who knows what.

She really is a frightening beast

Mittens meet world.

World meet Mittens.


One Comment on “Mittens”

  1. […] a tropical disease – like that time I told you about my early make out sessions with Andy Gibb, alter egos or jumping off a cliff with a Korean named […]

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