Southern Girl Teasing Academy

I spend a lot of time in airports. Not so much in an Up in the Air kind of way where I play Texas Hold ‘Em with my ghosts of statuses past and present, but more than is ideal given the age of the wee ones. One advantage to airport surfing is that I often meet the most interesting people along the way.

However, today I encountered a most despicable exception.

The airport was…(I thought about using the airport code just now, but decided that would catapult me into a whole other league of business traveling dip shits. So, let’s protect me from this potential pitfall and stick with the entire city name) Charlotte.

Connecting Flight 1107 to Dallas. Waiting for my zone, I think it was zone 9 or 10, to be called to board.

Enter: Jack.

The ambulance-chasing lawyer from Philly just back from an all-day seminar hosted for insurance companies to protect themselves from the likes of him and others like him. Pressed black suit with a pink tie. I would say mid-50s. Tall, 6’3″ or so. Remember, Telly Savalas, aka Kojak?

Imagine it like this guy sitting beside you in a pressed black suit with a pink tie. Now imagine that he is not Greek. What

Now you have the right mental picture. Let’s proceed.

I talked to Jack for no more than 10 minutes, which was ample time to form the most loathsome image of this Kojak-like character.

In addition to enjoying the intimate details of Jack’s various self-proclaimed closing techniques with women, which mind you, he pridefully compared to those of Hermann Cain, he thought it appropriate to share his unfiltered opinion of what was going through the mind of each and every man who walked by.

Then, I learned about his affinity for Southern girls.

Quick reminder, we talked for no more than 10 minutes.

It is Jack’s opinion that Southern girls have a certain way. And yes, of course I probed further.

This way, according to Jack is more feminine and coquettish. He asked me if Southern gals (he didn’t use gals, I added this slight embellishment) were taught this by our mothers. He asked further if perhaps there is some aspect of Southern culture, akin to a formal indoctrination, that makes us into giant teases.

At this point I think to myself, “Bruuhhhhaaaa. It works…the indoctrination program has been effective, now we must formalize and scale. Stage 2 now begins.

Where did I set down my iced tea, dammit…

He also told me that Amber was a stripper’s name. See Mom, I am not alone in this idea.

Now boarding Zone 10 along with the zoo animals.

That’s me.

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